Dust

"Dust begs us to believe the promises of God no longer apply to us.

That the reach of God falls just short of where we are.

And that the hope of God has been snuffed out by the consuming darkness all around us.

We want God to fix it all.

Edit this story so it has a different ending.

Repair this heartbreaking reality.

But what if fixing, editing, and repairing

isn't at all what God has in mind for us in this shattering?

What if, this time, God desires to make something completely brand-new?

Right now.  On this side of eternity.

No matter how shattered our circumstances may seem.

Dust is the exact ingredient God loves to use...

We can see dust as a results of an unfair breaking.

Or we can see dust as a crucial ingredient...

Dust doesn't have to signify the end.

Dust is often what must be present for the new to begin...

If we weren't ever shattered we'd never know the glorious touch 

of the Potter making something glorious out of dust, out of us."

-Lysa Terkeurst

I will admit that I can be a bit dramatic at times and make mountains out of mole hills.  I can throw myself a pity party and make my circumstances seem and appear much worse than they are.  I am capable of wallowing.  But in reality, there have only been a few times in my life where my circumstances have left me feeling truly shattered to the point of dust.  Where I have laid crumpled in a ball, clutching myself in a tight embrace, as I sobbed to the point of struggling to breathe.  Where I felt...irreparable.

Now, I'm not talking about just general life struggles.  I'm talking about those times in life where you just don't know how you could possibly go on, how you could possibly take another breath let alone another step.

Such a time occurred my junior year of college.

I was in my hardest semester of nursing school, when in reality I thought I didn't even want to be a nurse and had vowed I was going to switch majors numerous times.  I had made the decision to quit the track team for the sake of my physical health only to realize how much of my identity was in being a collegiate level track athlete so very close to achieving a national-qualifying jump.  I was engaged, and then I wasn't.  In the same week my engagement ended, my grandfather passed away.  And during it all, I was seven hours from everything familiar, realizing I had no one because I had isolated and alienated myself from any potential close friendships because I was constantly "too busy" to make time to go grab a cup of coffee or take a walk or run errands with them.  To make matters worse, all of this happened during the holidays--the supposed best time of the year.

When I had first made the trek to Northwestern College for freshman orientation, I thought college was going to be this awesome experience--learning, meeting new people, achieving goals, etc.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I hate change just as much as the next person so I almost turned around in the middle of my seven hour drive to go back home and enroll at the local community college.  But, I continued the drive and landed in Orange City, Iowa where an experience definitely did await me.  It just wasn't the experience I had hoped for.

So, after my four years of study, I left NWC with a bachelor's degree in nursing and a whole lot of hurt, anger, frustration, and questions.  The kind of questions you don't even know where to begin to find the answers to.

I felt like God had forgotten me and that He no longer cared what happened to me.  I felt like every good was gone.  I felt hopeless and asked several times a day, "What is the point of all of this?"  I questioned God.  Grilled Him, really.  But my anger wouldn't allow me to accept answers of waiting on Him or trusting Him in His timing.  I turned very cynical.  I was miserable.  And to say I was disappointed during this time would have been a gross understatement.

I wish I could say that I snapped out of this quickly.  But I didn't.  What I did eventually learn, however, is that I am never beyond repair.  God will never forsake me, but as Lysa Terkeurst says, "...He will go to great lengths to remake..." me.

And He did.

Nine years have passed since that time.  And looking back on that time allows me to see where God was through it all, the blessings that came of tragedy and challenges.  And as I look back at it, I'm grateful for that time.  I'm glad for the remaking.  Because out of it, I found very dear friendships.  I found a new closeness with my mother that could not have been achieved any other way.  I found out where my identity truly lies.  I found out that I was indeed called by God to be a nurse, and now, a nurse practitioner.  I found the man God wanted for me rather than just a man to marry.  And now, I am awaiting a blessed gift of life in the form of a child with the man God had in store for me.

There are still times when I question what God is doing and even think that maybe I could do things better.  There are still times when I wish God would intervene when He doesn't.  And there are still times when I feel disappointed.  Because if I were honest with myself, I want to be in control and I want things to be defined the way I would define them rather than how God would define them. And I'm sure there will be times in the future that I struggle with relinquishing control.

NOTE: Picture from Proverbs31.org

But if I relinquish my desire to be in charge, I get to witness God making something new, creating life, bring about good, and shining His light into the seemingly darkest of times.  "If I want His promises, I have to trust His process" (Lysa Terkeurst).

"But now, O Lord, you are our Father;

we are the clay, and you are our potter;

we are all the work of your hand."

- Isaiah 64:8