The Yearning For Simplicity

My husband often teases me that I was born in the wrong decade or era.  And he would be correct and incorrect all at the same time.  As a Christian, I know that God planned for me to be, and he did not make a mistake.  But my human heart sometimes (or more often than not lately) believes he did.

You, see...

I long for simpler times.  I long for a time when it was acceptable for--and even expected of--women to marry, keep house, and raise children.  I long for a time when women could just be women.  We did not have to be superwomen--able to do the tasks and works of both man and woman.  It was ok to just be a woman.  Feminism did not exist.  Working outside of the home was unheard of.

Cue the gasps!

I must be crazy, right?  After all, I am a nurse practitioner and this is only capable because of the feminism movement.  Without feminism, such a position and education for a woman would have been ridiculous...impossible...unheard of.

And yet, I still yearn for simpler times because there will always be some kind of sacrifice.  You have to decide what sacrifices you are willing to make and live with.

For me, I would sacrifice education, profession, finer things for more time with my husband and son.  At this moment, it's far past my bedtime, but my son is sleeping in my arms, and I am gladly sacrificing my sleep to watch his sweet face as he dreams and wonder what caused that smile to briefly cross his face or to watch his little chest rise and fall and ponder on the miraculousness and beauty of life.  By having a profession, I miss out on moments like these.  I feel robbed of watching him grow and learn and discover.  And that is not a sacrifice I'm ok with.  But, I am expected to work...to give up time with my husband and son to care for the loved ones of another.  I am expected to balance a profession, continuing education, household duties, the roles of wife and mother and daughter and friend.

...but my heart does not want to keep up this juggling act...

As I juggle everything, I realize that I have become mediocre at best and that I fail more than I reign victorious.  I find myself apologizing to my husband for not helping him as much as I know he would like me to on home repairs or for yet another boring dinner because it was easy and I'm tired.  I am plagued with guilt that someone else raises my son while I work.  I feel cheated out of motherhood.  I feel jealousy towards the women who are able to be stay-at-home mama to their children and who get to create a welcoming safe-haven of rest for their husband.  I feel exhausted.  I feel the weight of my shortcomings.  I yearn for the clock to stop.  Because maybe then I could catch up...

And tonight, on my way home, the dam broke and the tears streamed down my face.

I'm going to be unpopular for saying this, but I don't believe we were created to live this way.  I do not believe we were created to feel so stretched thin or to sacrifice the things that mean the most to us.  I do not believe we were created to carry all of the stress and worry and anxiety that comes with our juggling acts.  I believe that we were created for something much simpler--for fellowship, to praise and worship our God, for love.

I don't have the answers.  I don't know how to change this.  But, I do know this...

It's ok if my only goal in life is to be a good wife and mother.  It's ok to just want to love on my man and my little one.  It's ok to be a woman who views the old ways as better than the modern.  It's ok to yearn for simplicity.