The Bumpy Road To Dreams

If you've lived life and paid even a little bit of attention to the surrounding world, you are aware that people talk a lot about dreams.  Chasing dreams, fulfilling dreams, living the dream, etc.  And everyone's dream or dreams are a little bit different.

My dreams have always been simple, and I'll be honest, there have been times where I have been ashamed of my dreams because they seem too old-fashioned for the world we live in today.  But yet, my dreams have always been simple, and remain simple.  Simple and few in number.  My dreams have always consisted of two things:

I want to be a wife.  I want to be a mother.

Anyone that has had a first-row seat to my life, you know that it's been a bumpy road.  I did not navigate the waters of the dating world easily--going on a lot of first dates without many second dates; becoming frustrated with the quality of supposedly "good, Christian" men that were "still available"; joking that I was going to be the crazy old lady who sits in her living room and crochets all evening with her dog at her feet; and eventually giving up hope that I would ever meet my person.  But, in July 2016, I did meet my person.  And let me tell you--I LOVE my person.  It's been a little messy along the way, but we repeatedly tell each other that we would choose each other and marry all over again, without hesitation.  There's no one else I want to be in for the long-haul with.

The journey to motherhood, like my journey to finding my person, has been far less than smooth.  When we decided that we wanted to start our family, we were excited.  We anticipated the day that we would have a positive pregnancy test.  We anticipated being able to share the news with family and friends, the preparation, the debut of our little one.

But the day of a positive pregnancy test didn't come.  I bought the AVA bracelet after five months of failure and wore it faithfully every night, carefully tracking my symptoms, my menstrual cycles, my ovulation days, etc.  ...and yet, that positive pregnancy test didn't come.  And didn't come.  And didn't come.

For 12 months, we faced the reality every month that we were not pregnant.

Every month, tears would fall.  I would feel like a failure because my body "wasn't working."  And the fear that I was infertile would settle in deep.  Justin would comment that maybe he was the infertile one, and I would tell him that it couldn't possibly be him--it had to be me.  I would read about alternative methods to conceive (e.g. artificial insemination, IVF, etc), and I would be appalled and disgusted.  I would look into adoption agencies and the adoption process.  I would give up hope.  And Justin would tell me to just wait, that we'd try again.  

After 12 months of trying, we decided to set up an appointment to discuss infertility.  I was both looking forward to getting answers and dreading what I would hear at this appointment simultaneously.  Our appointment was scheduled for a Monday afternoon.  The Sunday before, I realized that I was three days late.  A very unusual occurrence.  My cycles were like clockwork--every 26 days.  I sheepishly informed Justin of this, not wanting to get our hopes up.  And we decided that it was time to get a pregnancy test because neither of us wanted to look like idiots if we showed up to an infertility appointment and were actually pregnant.

So, I drove to the local Dollar General.  I bought several pregnancy tests, just in case.  I drove home.  I debated whether I should test that evening or wait until the morning when it would be that recommended first morning void.

Impatience got the better of me.

I locked myself in the bathroom, took the test, and sat for 5 minutes, fearful to even look at the result.  When I finally did look at the result, I was in disbelief.

Positive.

I walked into the living room.  I looked at Justin.  He looked at me.  And I said:

"Girls wear pink, and boys wear blue.

Which one will be had by me and you?"

It took him a second.  He had this look of utter surprise and disbelief on his face.  And he whispered, "Really?"  

Really, really.  

Yet, we were still skeptical.  So we waited and took another.  

Still positive.

So, that Monday, I called and cancelled our infertility appointment.  The receptionist kindly asked if I would like to reschedule.  And I quietly, still in disbelief, informed her that I had taken a pregnancy test and it was positive.  To my surprise, she squealed with joy.  This complete stranger squealed with joy.  For us.  For our positive pregnancy test.  And my scared and skeptical heart allowed a glimmer of hope to enter.  

We were given an appointment for a couple of weeks later.  But the day before that appointment, I started spotting, and my heart sunk.  As a nurse practitioner, I knew that spotting could be "normal" during the first trimester, and I knew that given the characteristics of my spotting, that there was nothing wrong.  But, my first-time-pregnant heart panicked.  I feared the worst--a miscarriage.  So, I quit running and decided to switch to less jarring forms of physical exercise.  And I watched the spotting like a hawk.  And my heart just knew that I would go to our appointment and be told that I was not pregnant.  But, our first appointment came.  I told the obstetrician about the spotting.  He decided to get an ultrasound, which did show a minor bleed.  However, he reassured me that it was ok and to let him know if anything changed.  

The spotting stopped (but the morning sickness, of course, continued).  We had our second appointment, we got the all-okay, and we breathed a sign of relief that we had finally exited the first trimester.  

We are now entering week 14.  

Doubt is starting to fade, and as it fades, it is being replaced by excitement, hope, and anticipation.  And as the excitement, hope, and anticipation build, we realize that this is our own personal miracle from God.  This was our dream, a dream that we were certain would not come true.  But as that dream became reality, I was reminded of a verse that God had placed on my heart early on in the journey towards parenthood:

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly

than all that we ask or think,

according to the power at work within us,

to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus

throughout all generations, forever and ever.  Amen."

- Ephesians 3:20-21

It's been a bumpy road.  But we have arrived.  By His grace.  Because He is faithful.  And He knows the desires of our hearts.  And He is merciful.  And He is giving.  And He is indeed a good, good Father.  And indeed, it is good to trust in His timing, His perfect plan, His way.  For this child, Justin and I have prayed for what seems like an eternity.  And the Lord has granted us the desires of our hearts.  He has fulfilled our dream.  To Him be all the glory!